Tag Archives: parenting tips

Happy New Year!

I hope you had a wonderful holiday.  I found time to relax and kind of unplug (after a momentary breakdown when I realized I left my computer at home for a week).  The best part was spending time with my girls. (You can see me to the left, soap carving, an old fashioned and fun activity to do with kids—good for ages 7 and up– click the photo for some guidelines). By now you’ve probably re-settled into your daily routine and are thinking about 2012 and what will come.  Perhaps you’ve made some resolutions for yourself, or your family.

As I continue to expand my new business, I am constantly assessing and re-assessing what works, what I’d like to change, and discover where else I can grow.  As I work with clients I am helping balance the needs all parents face—that balance of practical and theoretical:  posting a checklist on the door, and finding the softest place in your heart with which to feel and see yourself and your children.

I offer some practical here:

Make doctors appointments for you and your family, now.

Your dentist, your general practitioner, and a dermatologist (and if you’re a woman, your OB)

if you have a child who will turn or is 3, and hasn’t seen a pediatric dentist, schedule an appointment (in NYC?  I love Dr. Ruby Gelman!).  Make your child’s yearly checkups in advance, so you get the appointment times you want.  If you have a child around 6 who has never been to the eye doctor, now is a good time for a general check up– it’s not necessary, but some people suggest.   Click here to download an easy checklist!

And some theoretical:

Most of us have noticed that the better you feel, the easier it is to parent.  Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start—and for that I offer, start with you.  What are some of  your building blocks of feeling good?  What do you need?  If you pick one of these things, and work at making it happen, you’ll strengthen yourself and in turn, your parenting.  What are my building blocks? Getting enough sleep, exercising, and  meditation.  It’s always a balance.

December is one of my favorite times of the year.

It’s a time of giving and receiving;  a time of seeing excess and great need.  This is your time to show children what’s important to you, and your family.

For me, walking with my children through the streets has that special winter feel.  The smells of Christmas Trees and hot apple cider at the market, choosing gifts for special people in our lives, and having more time to spend together are some of the things I like best.  For some kids just being awake when it’s dark is super exciting—we’re always looking for the moon on the way home for dinner.

How can you bring your own meaning to this busy time of year?

Create opportunities to give to people you know—depending upon their age, involve kids as much as possible with preparing gifts for relatives and friends, especially siblings and parents if that’s appropriate.  If you are writing cards with tips for people, you can talk about what you are doing, “We’re giving Patrick, our UPS delivery man, a present to say “Thank you for being so extra helpful and friendly throughout the year, and for making the effort to come back when I haven’t been home.”  (And we really are!)

Create opportunities to give to people you don’t know—while this is a time many charities are in great need, the entire year presents the same issue.  Perhaps over vacation you can research together a charity with a personal connection—have a child who likes to read?  Together you might want to choose a charity where you donate books to classrooms.  From art, to music, to sports, there are other children out there who need.

If your family sends holiday cards, maybe you can make some time for personal messages from your children to their friends or people who are important to them.  Depending upon their age you can take dictation, they can write something short, or even just their name.  It helps solidify what you are doing and why.  One hint—supervise in case of too much improvisation… we lost a few cards due to excessive xx’s and oo’s written by a zealous 5 year old…

Are traditions emerging in your family?  This season start to notice, and next year you can continue the ones you like, and skip the ones you don’t.  Not finding any?  What a perfect opportunity to create some.  Whether it’s a trip to a skating rink, New Year’s Eve with friends, a certain night of Chanukah to give to someone else, a Christmas present bought for a child who might not otherwise have one– the possibilities are endless.

Do you realize how much your children are learning all the time?

Our kids are learning something new every day.   Every day our children learn about living– for them, almost everything is new.  Not only are they learning about being a person, they are learning all the skills that we already have under our belt.  I know how to use a metro card, do the laundry, load the dishwasher, pack my purse, and more.  Kids don’t.  Learning to get to school is as important as what they learn at school.

So how do we support them in this tremendous journey?

Reconnecting with what learning feels like, and how it thrives, is one place to start.  You can use your feelings as a starting point— when you learn something new, what is it like?  I’ll bet it’s a bit of everything: exciting, nerve wracking, and sometimes totally out of your comfort zone.  That’s what it’s like for your kids too!

Keep them primed for learning—notice your language around learning something new, and promote ideas that keep it safe—notice and comment on effort and progress.  Be mindful of critiquing people who are trying but not doing so well—kids need to know it’s safe to make mistakes, and they need our approval, even if they say otherwise.

Name for kids what they do, re-tell the stories: “Remember when we first came to soccer?  It was warm and sunny and we walked together?  The first day you ran all over the field, up and down, and then you practiced your first kicks?”  or, “Remember when you looked at the bus and read Mary Poppins on the side?  You had a bit of help from the picture, but after that you started sounding words out all the time.  Now you can pick up a whole book and read almost all the words, and figure out new words!”

When you feel they need encouragement, take on the role of cheerleader: “You can do it!”  and “Do you see how strong you are!?” and “This isn’t easy!  Do you remember what it was like the first time?” and  “Look how far you’ve come!”

Authentic encouragement from others plays a role in learning.  People your child interacts with can support them with their true emotions—a stranger clapping while watching a child learning how to ride a bike, a younger sibling being grateful after getting help from an older one reading something, a waiter responding to a child reading something off the menu.  Those smiles and encouraging looks can be inspirational.

Everything that’s worth learning usually takes hard work.   The first steps of learning may be spread out over time, and then there are moments when kids are acutely aware of how hard it can be.  Frustration with a building, a math concept, getting better as a reader, making a basket.  Understanding that there are so many ways to approach the problem, and that hard work pays off, helps.  Knowing that a talent or inclination in an area is a start, and only a start, helps too.  You can tell your children about the brain and how it learns, how it forms new connections everytime you learn something new, and these connections promote more learning.  As Ken Robinson says, “If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.”

Are you feeling super connected to your kids?

New York City,  November 2011

Are you feeling super connected to your kids? One of the best ways to stay connected is to start with the natural opportunities life provides us with.

Life provides us with natural greeting times: morning, after naps, pick up time from school, during playtime when your kids wander off and then come back to you and any other time when you haven’t seen your child for a bit and you re-connect.

“…a greeting should collect the eyes, a smile and a nod.” -Gordon Neufeld, PhD, in his book Hold On To Your Kids 

Make those moments as special as you can— take the time to lock eyes, to smile, and say something light to which they can agree.  You can touch,  feel how they are doing, make it clear that you are there for them.  “It’s so good to see you.” “Looks like you did some painting today!”  “I missed you today.”  “I saw you were Tommy’s partner on the way downstairs”… the point is you are saying something that just reminds your child that you are seeing him/her– you’re not asking, interviewing about the day, or by any means saying something negative.  Even if you see something that might seem off– your child pushing, or a ripped shirt, or a missing lunchbox:  these can be addressed, but after you re-connect.

What if I’m in a rush?  Especially if you are in a rush, take that first moment with your child as calmly as you can.  Then, with your body still calm, remind your child, “Today is a speedy day, remember?  We need to get right to music (or soccer, or gymnastics)…”   This should make things easier– you had a grounding moment, a plan, and now you are off together (you could even be “Team Speedy” if you think something cute like that might help streamline your experience).

Holiday Gifts?

December is here. Toxic? The Zhu Zhu pets have high levels of antimony, a chemical that probably isn’t good for you. Teenagers have not developed the dorsolateral section of their pre-frontal cortex, which explains driving accidents in teens– according to research and the latest Allstate ads.

Dog Whisper as Parenting Advice? I think not.

Ahh, how optimistic I was when I picked up the Style Section this morning. And how sad was I when I saw the article about parenting children with techniques from the Dog Whisperer. I mean, really. If you haven’t checked out the concerts at Housing Works on Crosby Street, you should– they are intimate venues raising money for a good cause. Shopping for the holidays? If you’re into the pretend Zhu Zhu hamster that seems to be all the rage, I’ve found the best prices here at DigitechToys . Other stores I really like (remember, there’s no relationship here except for my personal one, as of yet!) Nova Natural Hearthsong , Magic Cabin here you can use code MC499 for $4.99 shipping. I still love the Moonjar for a present, and a few friends have pointed out that there are other similar banks out there, some with 4 slots (an extra for investing).

New Sesame Street +

Not loving the new Sesame Street. Characters saying things like, “Nah nah” to each other, and still the same format of modeling more negative interactions than positive. New on my radar is Moonjar Classic Moneybox which has 3 places for money– save, share, spend. My children will be getting this– even though we plan charitable giving as a family (microlending, giving to charities that benefit children) this seems even more appropriate for young children and really, the first step.

Baby Einstein Gives Back, So to Speak…

Baby Einstein offering refunds because it cannot “make your baby smarter” (and in fact is really not good for their eyeballs and depth perception). I started to understand how stage mothers get their reputation– having agreed that my daughter could be in an NYU Grad Student film that shot this weekend– my way of giving back since I haven’t donated financially since graduation. Thankfully she had a good time and the filmmakers were great. I was keenly aware of every emotion– wanting to make sure she hit her marks, understood directions (physical and emotional) and found myself feeling a bit impatient/guilty if they had to do another take because she looked over at me at the wrong time, let’s say, when the camera was rolling. I played a new game! For families with children ages 6 and up, the game Family Matters makes a great gift. Invented by a dad from NYC, this board game ensures the family playing will have fun, interesting and important conversations. Even though we aren’t in the same family, the creator, David, and I played the other day– touching on subjects as cute as “what’s your favorite pie” (and why) to a faux “family crisis” involving a teen who has started to smoke. The game is well thought out so you can easily choose big issues that are age appropriate. It also won the “Dr. Toy Award” for best new game.